The Wocky Chronicles
by demonprosecutor
Summary: A collection of crackfic drabbles dedicated to Wocky Kitaki! Possible Turnabout Corner spoilers.
1. Soul of a Gangster

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Ace Attorney – if I did, Wocky would be in every case

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Ace Attorney – if I did, Wocky would be in every case. I kind of messed this chapter up, all of the characters are very OOC, but I'll post anything - :)

Big Wins Kitaki walked coolly down the corridor. As he passed, Kitaki gangsters fell silent and froze with fearful respect. If there was one thing they'd learnt from their teachers in their early gangster years, it was not to mess with Big Wins Kitaki.

He stopped outside a heavy, wooden door with a sign reading, "Training Room," at the top. He was about to open it when he heard the voice of his wife. It was said that nothing frightened Big Wins – apart from his wife.

"You're not gonna interrupt him, are you?" she yelled, concentrating on her sweeping instead of looking up at her husband.

"Just checking on him."

"Why? You know he'll be doing fine. Wocky's got the soul of a gangster, and you know it. He'll do anything to be the best in the Kitaki world, absolutely anything. He's in there learning how to fight, training himself up to be the next Big Wins Kitaki. Our son's not soft. He's not a boy anymore, he's a man. He's left behind his childhood and all that – he's a man now. You don't need to check on him, because you already know."

"Yeah, but I think I should check on him any way."

Plum sighed, but carried on sweeping. He was used to being the boss, used to getting his own way. As stubborn as his son, Big Wins wasn't going to listen to anyone, not even Plum.

He unlocked the door with a rusty key from a ring holding every key to every door in the Kitaki mansion. He pushed the door, heavy even to him, and entered the dimly-lit room.

"I, Pink Princess, will defeat the evil Pocky-Monster and rescue the magical unicorn from the tower!" declared the small portable television.

"Wocky? Would you care to explain why you're huddled in the corner with a Pink Princess plushie doll eating pocky watching Pink Princess?"

"Shush!! Pink Princess is using her killer Butterfly Attack!!"


	2. The Invention Of The OG Cracker

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ace Attorney and I did not invent the pie

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ace Attorney and I did not invent the pie. This one's for **lilacbird**! :)

The Kitaki Pie Shop had only been open for a week and business wasn't going well. They'd only had two customers, both of whom had threatened to sue.

The fresh morning air glided through the open door and fused with the smell of ingredients, ready and waiting to begin their work. The city was virtually silent other than the odd car, bus or all-night partier returning home singing. Wocky Kitaki pulled the apron over his tired-looking head and lifted the Kitaki cookery book up in front of his face. Five in the morning was much too early, but his parents were early risers too, so it was as late as possible if he was going to surprise them.

The writing merged in with the pictures and Wocky couldn't make head nor tail of the recipe in front of him. Exhaustion was creeping up on him and his blurry eyes could barely see the table he was perching on, let alone the tiny handwriting of his great, great grandmother.

After a few minutes of trying to understand the illegible writing, Wocky – not the most patient person in the world – slammed the book and put it back on its shelf. He turned back to the ingredients. It seemed he would just have to improvise.

He remembered his mother showing him how to make pastry a few days previously. Unfortunately, he had been more interested in studying a group of girls in their late teens who were passing by the shop than concentrating on the cookery lesson.

There had been flour, that was for sure. Wocky turned to go the garden to find a few dandelions, then stopped to consider. _That can't be right, fo' shiz_, he thought. He ransacked the cupboard until he found a blue packet labelled, "Flour." It didn't _look_ like flowers, but it was the one his mother had been using. They must have been ground up – "flour" was either foreign or a typo.

His mother had mentioned quantities as well. You had to have the right quantities and they were written down in the recipe book. Wocky looked from the flour to the recipe book, the flour, the recipe book, the flour the recipe book – and poured the whole packet into the bowl. He was immediately shrouded by a mist of flour, ruining his brightly coloured hair. Now he looked like he had a major dandruff problem.

There had been something about eggs as well. You had to crack the eggs into the bowl. Wocky grabbed the nearest egg box, dropped two unsuspecting eggs and cracked the remaining four into the bowl. Unsure of what to do with the shells, he smashed them up and put them into the bowl as well.

Another ingredient had been milk. He grabbed a carton of milk and poured the whole thing in, noticing only afterward that it was a week out of date. He shrugged and threw into the bin behind him.

Salt had been included in the recipe. A pinch of salt. Wocky wasn't quite sure how much a pinch was and poured in a coffee cup of salt and pepper, followed by two tubs of margarine and ten vanilla pods. Now to mix it.

Wocky seized the mixer, a disturbed look in his eye. He set it to full power and plunged it into the mixture, covering everything in the room with mixture. It also flew out of the open door and hit an innocent motorist with his window down.

"Watch where you're driving, G!" Wocky yelled fiercely.

Unable to find a pie mould, he snatched up a bowler hat that happened to be lying around and poured the mixture into the hat. He sculpted it into a rough pie shape and took a bit of mixture for the top. He then shoved these in the oven and turned the heat up to maximum.

For the filling he emptied the shelves and poured everything into one bowl including: tomato ketchup, marmalade, marmite and six chilli peppers. He poured the contents of the bowl into a blender and watched it blend until he could smell burning, the sign that the pie was ready.

He took the pie out of the oven, burning himself in the process. He then chiselled the lid of the pie off the baking tray with a spatula, afterwards chiselling off the burnt remains of bowler hat left behind.

He poured the mixture, for want of a better word, into the pie and squished the lid on top causing red goo to ooze out unattractively. He sat it right in the middle of the counter with a price of twenty dollars and stood back with pride.

After an hour of sitting staring at the door, the first customer walked in. Wocky jumped up with a fake eager-to-please grin on his face.

"Hi, can I have one of your pies with the symbol for, "people," please…"

"Try one of our O.G. Crackers for a thrilling taste, fo' real, G!"

"Um, I'd prefer a people pie…"

"Listen, G, you're gonna eat my cracker and you're gonna like it, right?"

"Um…Ok then…"

The letter from the customer's lawyer arrived the next day. They were being sued for food poisoning. Wocky's parents were not best pleased.


	3. Party Time Randomness Warning

DISCLAIMER: Me-ey no-ey owney Acey Attorney…ey

DISCLAIMER: Me-ey no-ey owney Acey Attorney…ey. I don't own any of these song either. WARNING FOR RANDOMNESS. _SEVERE_ RANDOMNESS. Slight spoilers for AJ.

The best part of winning a trial was the party afterwards. It didn't happen every time, but when it did, it was unforgettable. Sometimes it was a calm and formal affair, such as after Phoenix Wright won Miles Edgeworth his not guilty. Other times involved staying up till four in the morning, loud karaoke and games of truth and dare. One such party was held by the Kitaki family to celebrate the innocence of their son – a rare occurrence indeed.

It was half way into the party. Apollo had passed out on the sofa and Trucy, having finished drawing on the young lawyer's face, had been taken home by her father after he had taken a few pictures to post on the internet the next day. Wesley Stickler was sobbing in the corner of the room and Guy Eldoon had decorated the whole of the Kitaki Mansion with banners made of noodles. On a temporary stage in the middle of the room, Wocky stood preparing himself for karaoke.

"What song would you like, young man?" asked the DJ patronisingly. Wocky was short for his age and often mistaken for younger than he really was.

"Listen, G, you ain't gonna talk to me like that, K?"

"Sheesh, calm down. What song?"

"You got Soulja Boy by Crank Dat?"

"Only a chipmunk version."

"We Made It by Linkin Park?"

"No, but I've got Looks Like We Made It by Barry Manilow."

"Aw, I ain't singing that, fo' shiz. You got…er…the Llama Song?"

"Damn, I left it at home."

"Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone?"

"My dog chewed it up."

"The Pink Princess theme?"

"My daughter has it – why would you want that?"

"Just forget I said that, G. What have you got?"

"Caramelldansen. That's all."

"Fo' real? G, that's my favourite song!"

So the Kitaki's and their guests Caramelldansen-ed long into the night until they all came to their senses and decided to play truth or dare instead.

There were no fatalities during the game, though it took a long time to get Wocky down from that telephone wire. When Apollo woke up he found himself in a lorry absolutely miles away from home having been sold by an easily dared Phoenix Wright who had ditched his daughter at home and come to join in the party.

The next morning Guy Eldoon spent all day ridding the city of the noodles hanging from house to house; Apollo got a taxi home and tried without victory to scrub his graffitid face clean; Ema tried to sneak out of Klavier's house without being seen in the early hours of the morning; and everyone spent the whole day in bed trying to get rid of their hangovers.

Phoenix Wright spent the day posting embarrassing pictures and videos on the internet, courtesy of the spy camera in his hat.

_I did warn you. I really did._ _I might re-write this one…:) _


End file.
